I’d just clicked the pay now button on a Bodysex invoice. My heart was racing, I’d really done it, I’d really committed to this event. I knew I had to do it quickly because I know how I talk myself out of things, especially if the main person benefiting is me. That was changing today. I set aside the money for me, my wellness and spent it on the scariest thing I could imagine doing. Exhaustion from living the way I had been for years was really setting in and I was ready to try anything. I was already orgasmic but didn’t know how to move past the childhood sexual trauma I’d endured.
I had two months to prepare myself for the event. For that two months I walked around the house saying “holy shit, I did it!”, “Holy shit I’m going to travel to another state all by myself”, “holy fuck I’m going to drive 11 hours alone and get a hotel alone”. I thought oh my god I’m finally all grown up and independent. I was so excited and ready for change, nothing was going to stand in my way because I’d already committed.
When I wasn’t feeling excitement, I was panicking. I was scared that if I went to the bodysex workshop my husband would want to go to a sex club, or open our relationship because technically I’d went on a sexual adventure and he’d want one too. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to say no to going to a sex club or relationship opening because I did the bodysex workshop. I was terrified I was opening a sexual door to more pressure, more expectation and things I didn’t have time to process and say no to. Anxious to leave my husband alone at the house, scared he’d masturbate to porn and hide it from me (we’d recently educated ourselves out of the belief system that sex and porn addiction were real, so we were healing but sexual trust and sexual openness were brand new). I was scared that he could cheat even though he never has. The mountain of relationship oriented fears trying to block me from growth were always just below the surface during that two months.
When I told my mom what I was going to do, I got a look at what the world was like for her. My mom warned how dangerous my trip could be, I could be stolen, raped or killed. She told me she had a bad feeling about it, she didn’t know what, but she was sure something bad was in my future if I took this trip. She mentioned that I’d be safer if I had my husband and kids ride along with me. Not only was she scared for her daughter but this underlying belief that the world was just waiting to gobble women up the moment they became independent and prioritized themselves, was prevalent as well.
My fears intensified the week before departure. My fears ranged from, would my husband be ok watching the kids for so long without me, what if one of them got hurt, did he know where the insurance cards were, would he be able to keep his sanity for 5 days straight. What if something happened to one of the kids and I was 11 hours away and couldn’t get back in time to make big important life saving decisions, the fears were huge and never ending. I noticed that my mom wasn’t the only person with a voice in her head that said “If you prioritize yourself, your healing, or your pleasure, something bad will happen”.
Leaving the driveway I hugged and kissed all three kids and my husband multiple times and reassured my daughter that Dada would make something other than French fries everyday.
After traveling for two days, I’d done it, I traveled all eleven hours and made it safely to Menla with zero incident. I proved my mom wrong and my worries wrong. All was safe at the home front, everyone was fine and getting along just fine without me. I could really dive in and relax into the bodysex experience. It wasn’t until I was there and had my own space and own activities to be curious about for the first time in my life that I just stopped thinking about anyone else but me. I could finally just breathe and see what I needed at any moment and meet those needs. Solitude was very liberating.
I chose a communal room and was pretty excited about having a sleepover experience but also nervous about being able to take care of myself with others around, because it’s so easy for me to prioritize others needs before my own. My roommates and I got along great and turned out one of them had the worlds tiniest bladder just like me, except she was better at honoring her body’s need to pee. I learned from her that I didn’t have to hate my body’s needs, instead I could be grateful that my body was fully functional and keep it that way by listening to it.
This theme of trusting my body flowed through every part of the bodysex workshop. When it was time to enter the main room for opening circle and get naked for the first time, I felt insecure and anxious about taking my clothes off in the hall, not knowing if it was the right time or space despite being told it was. My eyes darted nervously back and forth, copying the other women’s motions and confidence. Afraid I wouldn’t have the cool “obviously I know what I’m doing” type bag for storing my clothes in. I was poor as a kid and locker room embarrassment from not having brand name gym bags/clothes/shoes/accessories was my everyday. I was so afraid to look stupid, stand out, or do something wrong and feel embarrassed. I was terrified someone would be able to see the insecurities I thought were pouring out of me at an obvious rate. Nothing looked like a dressing room, a locker room, or a bedroom closet. Undressing in a regular space felt so foreign. I took a deep breath and started with my shoes and socks. I was afraid that inside would be perfect young pornstar bodies I couldn’t live up to. Anxious that I’d be surrounded by perfection and get swallowed up in my own self body hatred. When I couldn’t accept my body and trust that my body would be accepted just the way it was in the space, I trusted the bodies of the two nude women at the door. Those women had regular normal bodies, so I leaned on their self assuredness and stripped down.
To my surprise the entirety of women all had normal bodies, some big, some small, older and younger, but each and every one of them was reassuring to me. I wasn’t swallowed up in self hatred, self loathing and body hatred. I was comforted and quickly being naked was what I wanted to be all the time. It was so enlivening to just be nude and not care anymore.
Eventually we got to erotic recess, the part I was so nervous and afraid for. I started off bound and determined to have an orgasm. I did all the rock n rolling that I’d been practicing for two months, I listened to the pleasure noises from around the room, all of it, and nothing. Sure things felt ok, but none of them were orgasm and damn it that’s what I drove eleven hours for was to have an orgasm in this space and walk away healed. I felt frustration bubble up in me as I kept at it, and each orgasm I heard in the room intensified the frustration. While some could find the pleasure noises of others inspiring, my head was in a total space of self doubt, and doom and gloom. I felt all the thoughts tumble in about how I only had so much time, and if I didn’t get to orgasm here nothing would fix all my trauma, I’d be forever broken, I’d have to come home and tell my husband I’d had a good time, but I failed. Every worry and fear in my head was swirling around like a tornado, getting louder and louder bombarding my whole experience.
I took a deep breath and in that moment Carlin’s words echoed in my head from the previous education session we’d been in. “You don’t lose your orgasm and your don’t lose your erection, just stay with the stimulation and it will happen”, “trust that like a sneeze your body knows how to do this”. I just kept repeating those things in my head over and over and sure enough once the worries in my head were quiet, I could hear my body. I started fully relaxing between tensing, trusting that I wasn’t going to loose my orgasm, it would always be right there waiting for me to tap into it. I started to feel pleasure in my clitoris, I felt pleasure building through my whole body as I penetrated my vagina. I kept breathing, tensing, relaxing and my mind shifted into my body forming a fantasy that fit the environment and sensations perfectly. I kept at it, even feeling confidant enough to hold back and edge the orgasm a few times.
The room had quieted a little and at that moment I chose to go for it and my pleasure poured into the room. My orgasm spilled out of my body and into the safety container of Bodysex. I was working on sexuality in the presence of others without ever once feeling sexualized by anyone. My pleasure wasn’t just tolerated in the space of Bodysex, it was welcomed, celebrated, and appreciated here. It wasn’t something to be achieved, accomplished or owned by anyone else but me. It existed because of me, for me, just like my body. I researched my sexual wellness, I found bodysex, I paid the money, I drove myself all the way here, I faced my mountains of fears, I shared my vulva, I stimulated myself, all of it, just me. I could finally trust that I could bring myself the best things in the world. I don’t have to wait for someone to decide I deserve it and give it to me, I am all I need, everything and everyone else is extra.
I wasn’t instantly healed by having an orgasm surrounded by others or even after the entire Bodysex workshop. This bodysex workshop was the conception of a new me, just the beginning. Bodysex gave me every tool I never knew I needed and didn’t have, to become an unshakable woman, but I had to put in the work and decide to use them. I had to use every tool to become my fully sexual self and it was going to take a lot of work. I would need to have the self awareness to notice a sex negative belief, remove it, and replace it with sex positive information, correct anatomical information and repeat. I would need patience and understanding when things got rough or I got stuck in an uncomfortable spot. I would need courage to overcome the obstacles. I would need reassurance along the way from myself and a sisterhood of supportive women. My body would need positive attention and self pleasure, regularly. I knew that becoming a fully sexual independent woman would change my entire life but it would also challenge everything I thought I knew. After experiencing my first Bodysex workshop I knew I had to become a Bodysex Leader and fully embrace positive female sexuality and share that gift with others.
The most important gift I received from my first Bodysex workshop was finding out everything I deserve in this world, and learning all the fundamentals of how to get it. Not only am I more sure of myself and who I am, but because of Bodysex I will always know my self worth, and how to remind myself of it.