I stared at my period app calendar, frustrated that either it wasn’t right or my body wasn’t. I was supposed to have my period by now, in fact I’d intentionally planned this bodysex circle so that it would be just past the heavy days. Every time I went to the bathroom I slipped a finger inside myself and wiped it on toilet paper, a menstrual white glove test if you will. No matter how many times I checked, nothing.
I knew I was going to be nude all weekend, so no panties or anything to catch that first crimson gush. It would just be there on my thighs for everyone to see and since I’m leading this circle, my mind might be spaced and I could miss it. I couldn’t think of anything more embarrassing than it looking like I didn’t have the competency to manage my body, the common sense to hide, and cover my bodies unpredictably.
I warned the girls I was expecting my period and that if they saw my thighs bloody to let me know. We did all of the rituals for the first day and I got through unscathed. The evening of the first day my best friend and I decided to share masturbation and orgasms in my bed. Afterwards I got up to pee and sure enough there was the slightest hint of red in my post orgasm discharge. I put my menstrual cup in and breathed a sigh of relief for knowing that I had caught my period and tomorrow would be a mostly “clean” day if I just kept the cup in.
The next day preparing for the circle I kept looking down and even though I had the cup in, my thighs were bloody, every. single. time. that I looked. This wasn’t normal, the cup always keeps drips of blood at bay especially on my first day. My best friend said “must be someone in our circle needs to see a vulva bleed” and when she said that I gained some courage. I was pretty sure I could show my veins for the benefit of others, I could quite literally bleed for others if it meant helping them.
As everyone arrived I let them know my period had started and they were going to see some blood today, but I also turned my back towards the circle and wiped my thighs with a wipe. I didn’t apologize but I felt the shame and felt my want to apologize, but stifled it. I didn’t want them thinking they should apologize for their bodies, so I refused to model that behavior.
It was time to demonstrate the rock n roll, I went pee first and decided to take the cup out. I figured it would get in the way of the barbell and ditched it, at first hiding it in my bathroom drawer and then instead bringing it out with me to my tray. For them, I thought, just in case someone hasn’t seen one or needs menstruation devices normalized.
I laid back vulva towards the circle and warned everyone again that they’d be seeing a lot of blood as I was now free bleeding. I demonstrated the rock n roll, when I looked down I saw the magic wand covered in blood. My whole vulva covered in blood, I felt the sink inside myself at the sight, the disappointment in my body. The next positions changed nothing, dripping blood everywhere in the pillow fuck, but I could look at the floor for a few seconds if I needed. I was not allowed that same avoidance in the goddess position. The goddess position demanded that I open my legs and face towards this accepting, loving energy of the circle. In goddess I’d need not to just expose my fully bloodied vulva but also my fully open heart chakra at the same time.
Next up was erotic recess, everyone relaxed experienced pleasure and flowed. I had a great first orgasm but I had a hunch there was a second orgasm in there wanting out and we still had lots of time. So I rested and then went back for a second. I could feel the energy of the room swelling and receding as each woman built and rested over and over again. When I was nearing my second orgasm I felt the energy of the room recede back a bit, people were chatting and getting up and moving as needed. I almost talked myself out of continuing for fear that I should get up and lead and get things moving but instead I breathed, I built, and as I got closer I could feel the energy of the women supporting me. I charged into a big orgasm and my entire body shuddered unlike I’ve ever experienced before. Like I was an animal crusted in dried mud and I was shuddering it all off of me. I’d shed something off of me but still I hadn’t known what.
My best friend said “that shudder was beautiful you had a drip of blood slide down your butt right before it and it was just so cool”. Another woman said “it’s so nice to be in a place where period blood is so welcomed, no need to hide it, or have shame for it, it can just be here and it’s ok”.
The following morning after our circle, I was blessed with more quite alone time, in which I decided to masturbate in the shower. My thought being a shower will be the perfect place to masturbate during my period because there will be no mess. Well I tried and it was just not it, it sucked. So I listened and got out. I laid a white towel down on my living room floor and laid on it, knowing and accepting I’d bleed all over it. When I looked down at my body for the first time I just knew my body was beautiful, tummy creases and dimples and pale skin and all, it was amazing just as it was in this very moment.
I masturbated and had two great orgasms manifesting all the amazing things I want for myself and my life. In the afterglow, I looked down at my vulva and the dildos I’d used and they were covered in blood but I didn’t feel the sinking feeling, instead I felt admiration, and I took this photo because that moment felt like art.
When I got up to clean my body no longer did I use rough hands that would scrub a plate clean and toss it to the side but instead I ran warm water and sat in it while I delicately washed the blood from my thighs and vulva in the same manner you’d wash a newborn baby. I washed and rinsed with reverence, appreciation, and admiration for this process my body was offering to the world.
For so long society pushed and forced me to control every aspect of my bodies wildness. It told me to pluck the hairs, maintain the weight, hide the fluids. I tried to control every aspect of my body, tried to hide what I was told were its “flaws”. The discharge in my panties everyday that has been non stop since I was 12, the blood that flowed through my vaginal opening, the smells of my genitals, everything needed to be reigned in and flawless. In the hiding of all these processes, i lost the connection with the wild spirit of being human. I felt isolated and alone, and in turn shameful of my bodies natural behaviors because I’d never seen another body do any of it. I knew I wasn’t the only body going through it but I also knew everyone else was hiding it all too. My body chose this bodysex circle to speak its truth and I finally took the time to listen. I knew in my roots that everything about my body is all knowing and wild and I was done stifling it. The shift that happened as I rinsed the blood from my thighs that morning finally cemented me into allowance.
I began to just allow my body to be as it is and accept each part, if I decided to trust that it knows better than I, not only in orgasm, but in every single process. It knows what weight I’m comfortable at, it knows the best time to cycle my menstruation, it knows that my healing energy should go towards my immune system rather than getting rid of my cellulite.
My mind kept going to what my best friend said, “someone in this circle must need to see a vulva bleeding” and she was so right. Little did I know it was me, I needed to see my bleeding vulva and I needed my bleeding vulva to be seen. I needed to see my body in its entirety.